Maybe our family blog isn't quite the right forum for this kind of a post, but I'm having issues with Sophie and thought I'd write about it and see if anyone out there has any valuable advice or feedback.
My six year old little girl is obsessed with death and dying, and I do mean obsessed. She talks about it all the time, things like she wonders how many different ways people can die, and her ideas range from falling asleep on the floor and never getting up, to having your heart break and you die, to getting shot, to natural disasters, and on and on. If it rains or thunderstorms, she thinks her dad and I are going to die, and she says, "if a child dies, they are a littlest angel, and if a grown-up dies, they are a big angel". It's gotten to the point where, for about the past two to three weeks, she refuses to sleep because, as she said (with tears and sadness in her voice): "When I'm asleep it feels like I'm dead!!" She thinks if she sees a bug in her room, it's going to crawl on her while she sleeps and she'll die. She says she thinks raccoons are going to come in through the attic and kill her while she's in bed. Any sound she hears, the wind, the neighbors, a bump or scuffle outside, and she's out her bedroom door screaming for help. She now has to have a nightlight, the door open and someone sleeping in her room with her for her to be able to fall asleep. She sometimes talks about it with a paralyzing fear that she, or someone in our family is going to die, and other times she just brings it up like casual conversation, as though she just has a morbid curiosity about the subject. The other day she was asking me all kinds of questions like whether or not your spirit feels hungry or thirsty after you're dead, or if she'll have to sleep when she's dead. We have to be really careful about what we say around her because she picks up on everything and even the smallest things add to her unrealistic fears, and that includes talking about when anyone in our family is sick (because in her mind, they might die), or something we saw on the news or read in the paper, or if something happens to someone we know, she will talk about it for weeks, as though she's afraid the same thing is going to happen to her. One day recently her brothers were watching a show on Animal Planet about dangerous sea creatures. She came to me crying that they just "have to change the channel because it's scaring me!" Apparently there's some kind of flat fish out there that "if you don't watch your step in the water and you land your foot on one, it may be your last!" (At least that's what she kept repeating to me for days afterward.)
I'm starting to get a little worried, and just plain frustrated, because though I'm trying to be patient and explain things to her the best I can, understanding her sensitivity to the subject, I'm frankly tired of her crying every night about going to bed because she's scared and waking me up 2 or 3 times a night to tell me she's scared. I feel at my wit's end. I've tried giving her a special necklace to wear only at night, which she calls her "Jesus necklace", because I told her that when she puts it on she will remember that Jesus is always protecting her. I've also tried letting her listen to some of her favorite music when she goes to bed, hoping it will help her relax, and we've started not letting her watch any t.v. right before bed, to see if that helps. So far, none of those things have been the solution.
Chris keeps saying it's just a phase, but I want to make sure she gets through this "phase" unscathed. What do you other moms think? Anyone else's kids talk about "death" all the time??
8 comments:
We've never dealt with that particular phase, but you might try talking to your pediatrician. When I mentioned Isaac's excessive shyness to our doctor in passing a few years ago, he was able to diagnose him with a rare social anxiety disorder. Your doctor may have some helpful advice on how to deal with it, or if nothing else, be able to reassure you that it is normal. Good luck!
I understand your frustration! Alexis went through a little bit of the same thing. It doesn't sound like she was as scared as. She did grow out of it - but it took time!! After her cousin died in a car accident, even Danny was scared of dieing. I can't think of a church mocie off the back, but maybe look into a movie about death and what happens. And try to find some scriptures that would help too.
Try and find one other thing that she seems even just a little excited about or interested - and build on that!!! Find books, movies, ANYTHING about that subject.
Over time, hopefully she will relax and still be interested in death, but not so fixated on it. Lexi had a fish that died, and all she talked about for a good 6 -12 months about how she wanted to be with her fishie up in heaven. Everytime I would tell her not to do something because she could get hurt, she would smile and ask if she would go up and be with fishie if she died. It REALLY broke my heart to think of her dieing!
Do you know what brought this all on? Try and figure out what her brain is really thinking about and what she is really scared about with the dieing issue. Good luck! I don't have answers, but you are welcome to bounce ideas off me or anything you want!!
I wish I could help. We talk about death a lot with my five year old, but that is just because she wants to be with Jesus. It does not scare her. I would suggest talking to the pediatrician too. They can at least give you some ideas if not do more. Good luck.
I was fascinated with death and dying from the time I was 2-8 years old. I asked all those questions too.
Have you looked into any children's books on death or dying? What about talking to her about dead bugs that you might find in the yard. Joseph Smith also sought out books on death, dying and martyrs to understand it a lot more. This is just a theory of mine, but maybe if she understands more about it she won't cry so much at night? I don't know if that's even touching the real issue. Does she have a day care she goes to? Babysitters? Any other reason causing the fear and crying? I hope I've helped a little, even if it's just a spring board.
Apparently I was one of those worrying kinds of kids myself when I was Sophie's age. My mom was worried that I was going to have an ulcer at such a young age. I think you are doing the right things. She is in a safe and secure home with mom and dad who love her. She feels that. Has Chris blessed your home? I'm sure he has. It's funny what goes through kids minds, but I think just continueing to help her through, by doing what you are doing, she will more than likely outgrow it.
I just realized I was signed in under Davids account. I am the one who sent you the message about the party. I just don't want you wondering who the message came from.
Good luck,
Jennifer
Are you sure her brothers aren't egging her on? It could also be that this is the way that she is gaining your attentiona and breaking away from the boys. Not to say that the subject isn't on her mind as well. What you don't want is a total fixation on the subject for the long term. Don't discourage it, because then she'll draw it closer. Some of it may be the feelings she gets from you when she brings it up (concern, compassion, worry, etc.). Find ways to help her thoughts and actions be more well rounded through positive truly one on one time with her addressing other issues (crafts, hobbies, discussion, interests, ponies, zipper, gardening, whatever it is.)
We have a son who loves talking about shooting, guns, bombs, sniper stuff, etc.). If allowed, this is ALL he will think about, talk about and play-out. He is a teenager now, and he has gone to therapists, etc. However, when he is the most needy (feeling scared due to changes in life situations) he quickly gravitates to this subject and still needs us to change the subject or he ends up in a pretty dark place inside.
Whatever you do, don't tell her talking about all of this is bad or wrong. Just stealthly change the subject and increase positive reinforcement of other activies and good things that bring happiness.
One final tip - Get rid of Animal Planet. It is always on at our local Dr. Office, and is really quite scary. Block the channel, it isn't really uplifting.
Priscilla, Do you know what ever became of Andrew and Jen Lear?
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